A Fallen Pilgrim's Discourse

Oh Father,
What grace has ordained for me such pain?
What sovereignty has chosen for this pilgrim
That he should walk through fire and ashes and filth?

My hands cling feebly to your grace,
While my body rebels against me and enters into places of death.
I could not hold on any longer to the purity which once defined me,
I had not the spiritual Water to convince me to keep on.

Not that the Water had left me, but I failed to drink it.
A dehydrated being I stood, expecting to continue on in grace,
But instead stumbled, then stumbled in the midst of stumbling
And alas crashed to the ground in sin and hurt and pain.

Oh, to see your face again!
How can I see it when my own lies now burrowed in the dust?
My limbs are broken, and my muscles find not strength to even move or lift themselves.
My life is broken. My soul is broken. I am broken to pieces.

Rain now falls upon my rotting carcass--or so it feels I am a carcass.
What use am I in the kingdom of God? Why have I been called here to die?
Oh, the pain and sorrow I feel in this moment.
All I have built with you is lost--the strong walls have crumbled.

The stream of rain that now runs under my shattered face is refreshing;
At least there is a little hope--if only a little.
A little is all I need to know that you are still here.
Where are you?

"Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil: For thou art with me;
Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me.
Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies;
Thou annointest my head with oil; My cup runneth over."

Ah--how I remember those words.
Yet they have been forgotten by me.
How I should love to cherish them again!
What have I done?
What happened so quickly?

"Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the House of the Lord forever."

I shall die now.
I shall die now.
I shall die.
I am open to You, God.
Will You take me now?

Why answer You not?
Have I--
Yes, I have.
I have broken our fellowship.
God, is there hope for one who has done as I have done?
Help! Answer! Curse my life. It is a loss! I hate it!

I am in such turmoil
Yet I have this nagging little pull of life that won't leave me alone
What is that? Lord, what?
Who are You? Are you hope?

---

I now experience desert. I have been laying here for years.
My eyes are dry as my lips.
The light and heat is so bright,
Yet it illuminates things I could not see before.
Howcome I can't learn these things when on my feet?
Why not teach me before I am in such a hopeless predicament?

God, You are good. I am stupid.
I lie here with everything stripped away.
I am such a fool--so blind.
I was more blind when I could see.
I thank Thee that my eyes are now dried out.
I thank Thee that Thou hast taken the limbs I used for sin
For pinning me here to the ground.
It is almost now humorous--
Yet I don't know how I have come to that given my initial state when I fell.

Perhaps then I have not broken our fellowship.
I haven't, but rather neglected our communion to only harm's way...

Will I be rescued soon? No?
No.
Okay.
Gah! I wish to move on with life!
Will you satisfy me in You?
I find it wrong humanly to ask for that, but it would be sin not to.
There is nothing wrong with asking that one be filled with His God and not the world.

I vomit.
I see what I have been consuming in Your place now being cast to the heat.
My vomit is turning of a human's stomache,
Yet I strangely find no more beautiful sight right now--
For what be expelled now is what causes me to be in rotting state.
What casts it out is what caused the purifying river to flow beneath my face
Leave me, vomit, and be no longer my god.
May I not return to you again as dogs do to theirs!

I'll wait for you God, for you are continuing now the work You began.
I see it now.
I see it.
My living or dying be in Your hands.
You will complete Your work.
I will not die; I will live again...
I trust you; help me trust you.
I love You, God.
I love...You.

"...for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God."
-Psalm 42:11

Share


Recommended Resources